I can't help but feel there is a pattern to my life right now. It is one thing to know that you are not perfect, it is another to see evidence of it and watch it affect other people.
I'm really into Bones on Netflix right now. I get sucked into the drama of an unaddressed romance and solving murders. All those types of shows draw me in - Criminal Minds, NCIS, CSI (where it all began, honestly).
But the negative thing about this, I get way too into them and I forget about what else is happening in the world. Like that there are people around and they have feelings. I have decided it's because I have a large imagination and I let myself get absorbed in a different reality. I choose a character like Dr. Brennan (she's a genius and chooses rational thought over emotion) and I want to be like her. It's very childish in all honesty. I admire her ability to rationalize everything and compartmentalize her life. That might work for her, but it isn't very realistic for me. I just would love to know how to control my emotions like she does.
Obviously, Nick doesn't understand this because he doesn't watch the show. So when I'm being bratty and detached without realizing, he doesn't know it's because that's from watching this stupid show. He thinks he's annoying or that I'm upset with him.
This is all a very convenient excuse for selfishness. I can be extremely self-centered, wanting to be served and cared for according to my desires and expectations. When I am shown a mirror to this behavior, it feels terrible. I don't handle this illumination well, either.
Today Nick asked me if I'd be okay with him going to a Reds game with his friends that he hasn't seen in a while, friends who are going off to college soon. The game is on our date night of the week, Thursday. I shrugged with my back to him, doing dishes. "Okay, that sounds fun." Those words aren't that bad. But we all know that saying - it's more about how you say it. I was lost in my head, unaware that this man has feelings and consumed by my disappointment that date night was being hijacked. (we can just as easily hang out on Sunday - not a big deal). This all came after he ate the rest of the bean salad his mom makes that we both love - and I hadn't had any. The nerve!
How stupid are these things? He confronted me about them, gently, but I could see the hurt in his eyes. Why had I acted that way? Why had I been sassy when he ate the rest of a plate of food? Did it really matter that much to me?
In this moment, I couldn't just say I was sorry and let it go. I did apologize and later he told me that was all he wanted. But to me, it was deeper than one I'm sorry.
My heart without Jesus is cold and nasty. It is selfish and afraid of being hurt.
I love that man, I don't want to be mean to him. In my heart I didn't intend to hurt him. It crushes me when this happens. I get into this whirlwind of self-despise and I believe I am a terrible wife. That I should never have children because I will be a bad mother, a mean mom that my children will grow to resent.
It's almost humorous how one little moment can turn into a spiral of lies. A spiral of ridiculous thoughts that I consciously know are not true. Like I said, later Nick told me he just wanted to see me humble, able to admit that I was mean in that moment and it would be let go.
I want to forgive myself the way he forgives me, the way Jesus forgives me. Sometimes it takes me until after a heartfelt cry to get past what I have done and move on.
In Romans 7, Paul discusses this struggle.
I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do...As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. (v. 15, 17-18)
I wish this wasn't the case. Paul sums it up so well though: I don't understand what I do.
Times like this make me grateful for a husband who loves me no matter what I do or say and a God who makes that possible.
I'm really into Bones on Netflix right now. I get sucked into the drama of an unaddressed romance and solving murders. All those types of shows draw me in - Criminal Minds, NCIS, CSI (where it all began, honestly).
But the negative thing about this, I get way too into them and I forget about what else is happening in the world. Like that there are people around and they have feelings. I have decided it's because I have a large imagination and I let myself get absorbed in a different reality. I choose a character like Dr. Brennan (she's a genius and chooses rational thought over emotion) and I want to be like her. It's very childish in all honesty. I admire her ability to rationalize everything and compartmentalize her life. That might work for her, but it isn't very realistic for me. I just would love to know how to control my emotions like she does.
Obviously, Nick doesn't understand this because he doesn't watch the show. So when I'm being bratty and detached without realizing, he doesn't know it's because that's from watching this stupid show. He thinks he's annoying or that I'm upset with him.
This is all a very convenient excuse for selfishness. I can be extremely self-centered, wanting to be served and cared for according to my desires and expectations. When I am shown a mirror to this behavior, it feels terrible. I don't handle this illumination well, either.
Today Nick asked me if I'd be okay with him going to a Reds game with his friends that he hasn't seen in a while, friends who are going off to college soon. The game is on our date night of the week, Thursday. I shrugged with my back to him, doing dishes. "Okay, that sounds fun." Those words aren't that bad. But we all know that saying - it's more about how you say it. I was lost in my head, unaware that this man has feelings and consumed by my disappointment that date night was being hijacked. (we can just as easily hang out on Sunday - not a big deal). This all came after he ate the rest of the bean salad his mom makes that we both love - and I hadn't had any. The nerve!
How stupid are these things? He confronted me about them, gently, but I could see the hurt in his eyes. Why had I acted that way? Why had I been sassy when he ate the rest of a plate of food? Did it really matter that much to me?
In this moment, I couldn't just say I was sorry and let it go. I did apologize and later he told me that was all he wanted. But to me, it was deeper than one I'm sorry.
My heart without Jesus is cold and nasty. It is selfish and afraid of being hurt.
I love that man, I don't want to be mean to him. In my heart I didn't intend to hurt him. It crushes me when this happens. I get into this whirlwind of self-despise and I believe I am a terrible wife. That I should never have children because I will be a bad mother, a mean mom that my children will grow to resent.
It's almost humorous how one little moment can turn into a spiral of lies. A spiral of ridiculous thoughts that I consciously know are not true. Like I said, later Nick told me he just wanted to see me humble, able to admit that I was mean in that moment and it would be let go.
I want to forgive myself the way he forgives me, the way Jesus forgives me. Sometimes it takes me until after a heartfelt cry to get past what I have done and move on.
In Romans 7, Paul discusses this struggle.
I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do...As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. (v. 15, 17-18)
I wish this wasn't the case. Paul sums it up so well though: I don't understand what I do.
Times like this make me grateful for a husband who loves me no matter what I do or say and a God who makes that possible.